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TERMS OF DAMNATION

the fine print nobody reads (until it's too late)
last hexed: june 6, 2026 (notarized by a ouija board)

Preamble (The Part Where We Sound Important)

Welcome to the Terms of Damnation (“Terms,” “the curse,” “this document you’re definitely not reading”) for CVRSED BRANDS HOLDINGS LLC (probably) (“we,” “us,” “the conglomerate,” “your new corporate overlords”). By accessing or using our website at cursedbrands.com (the “Site”), you agree to be bound by these Terms.

If you do not agree, please close this tab dramatically and tell everyone about us anyway. That’s also fine.

Acceptance of Terms

By using this Site, you acknowledge that:

  1. You are at least 13 years of age (or possess the emotional maturity of someone older, which is increasingly rare)
  2. You have read these Terms (you haven’t, but let’s pretend)
  3. You accept the inherent chaos of interacting with our brand
  4. You understand that “cursed” is a lifestyle, not a threat

Use of the Site

You May:

  • Browse our content and experience existential growth
  • Share our pages with friends, enemies, and HR departments
  • Screenshot our designs for personal use and group chat reactions
  • Join the cult (newsletter) voluntarily and with enthusiasm
  • Click everything (we encourage it)

You May Not:

  • Use our site for any purpose that would make our lawyers cry (more than usual)
  • Attempt to reverse-engineer our Chaos Index™ methodology
  • Reproduce, distribute, or commercially exploit our content without permission
  • Use automated bots to scrape our site (the floating stickers will fight back)
  • Claim to be the CEO of Cursed Brands (there are already too many of us)

Intellectual Property

All content on this Site — including but not limited to text, graphics, logos, the CVRSED wordmark, emoji combinations, and vibes — is the property of CVRSED BRANDS HOLDINGS LLC (probably) and is protected by intellectual property laws and a general aura of menace.

The following are trademarks™ of CVRSED BRANDS:

  • CVRSED BRANDS™
  • fuck.markets™
  • Chaos Index™
  • “professionally unhinged”™
  • The specific arrangement of skulls and sparkles we use™

Our Site may contain links to external websites, including but not limited to:

  • fuck.markets — our flagship store (separate entity, separate terms, separate chaos)
  • Social media platforms — most of which have suspended us

We are not responsible for the content, privacy practices, or cursedness of external sites. Click at your own existential risk.

Disclaimer of Warranties

THE SITE IS PROVIDED “AS IS” AND “AS CURSED.” WE MAKE NO WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO:

  • That the site will function without interruption (it’s held together by vibes)
  • That the content is accurate (the numbers section is aspirational at best)
  • That the floating stickers won’t follow you into your dreams
  • That joining the cult won’t change your personality (it will)
  • That our stock tickers reflect real financial data (they absolutely do not)

Limitation of Liability

IN NO EVENT SHALL CVRSED BRANDS BE LIABLE FOR:

  • Any direct, indirect, incidental, or consequential damages arising from your use of the Site
  • Emotional distress caused by our brand copy
  • Financial decisions made while browsing our investor relations section
  • Career changes inspired by our job listings
  • Impulse purchases on fuck.markets
  • The general sense of unease that lingers after visiting

Total maximum liability: one (1) branded pen, valued at approximately $0.47.

Newsletter / Cult Membership

By subscribing to our newsletter (“joining the cult”), you agree to:

  • Receive periodic emails containing memes, discount codes, and unsolicited emotional support
  • The possibility that emails may arrive at inconvenient hours
  • Unsubscribing at any time via the link in each email
  • The emotional weight of knowing the cult will miss you if you leave

Governing Law

These Terms shall be governed by the laws of the State of Delaware (because that’s where LLCs go to feel alive), without regard to conflict of law principles, common sense, or Mercury being in retrograde.

Modifications

We reserve the right to modify these Terms at any time, usually at 3am, usually without telling anyone. Continued use of the Site after changes constitutes acceptance of the new Terms and a general willingness to embrace chaos.

Contact

For legal inquiries, cease-and-desist letters (we collect those), or compliments disguised as complaints:

Email: legal@cursedbrands.com (response time: 1-666 business days)

By continuing to scroll past this point, you agree to everything above, plus whatever we add later. Welcome to the conglomerate.

RETURN TO THE CULT → SHOP INSTEAD 🤑